I don't know what to do about it.
"Sure sure Kim, I don't care if you date Chad." And as soon as I said it, it was true. I don't care.
'Geez louise, you'd think that at least ONE of them would say something to each other! But I don't really care that much, this doesn't involve me.' And it didn't and I don't.
"You know what? Kim is skinnier then me. But you know what else? I like me better. Which is good. Cause I am me. Being skinny is not the end all be all, neither is having a flat stomache. Neither of those things really matter to me anymore. I like me the way I am."
It doesn't matter.
"Damn it. The last email I sent Chad sounds like I was talking out of my ass. And the one he sent back was patronizing. Ick. Possibly one of the worst things it could have been. What happened? We had some sort of chemistry going! Not nesscessarily romantic, but reading his mails made me smile and laugh, and made me want to reply back. Now I feel like shit, and if I reply it feels forced...
Who cares? Oh well, I don't have to keep a perfect image of myself, it's not like I'm trying to attract him as a BS, sorry I meant BF. And even if I was, I shouldn't try to show him a glorified image of myself. I am NOT perfect. He is going to hear me say something stupid, or fart in public. I am HUMAN. That's what I do. I am real. If he doesn't like me, then he doesn't have to have me. Which is good because I don't CARE about him anymore."
There is something very freeing about not caring what anyone thinks. It's the apathey that bothers me. (The redundence is staggering.)
But what I really mean is: It's nice not to let other people's view of what youu should be influence who you really are, but it sucks that even if it's a good view I still don't care.
I feel weird sticking thsi at the end but I want to say it so, deal with it.
I sort of have almost always felt that Kim and I were in friendly compeition. Academics were, obviously harder to compare, since she was older but still I always felt there was a *slight* comparsion. And, of course, who was skinnier, who had bigger breasts, whatever.
But now. I've stepped aside.
Kim, dahlin, I lvoe you. You can be the skinniest, smartest, biggested breasted college girl ever. And I will still feel good about myself.
That is one of my biggest accomplishments. I think.
Kim, go shine, go marry Chad, I will be your MOH, and I will be happy for you.